One of my constant goals is to do things outside of my comfort zone (as long as I don’t compromise my morals and beliefs). The past few months I have made small, yet significant strides, in this respect. I baked new recipes for people for the first time without testing them myself first. I had conversations with strangers I happened to come across in public. Heck, I even accepted a job outside my comfort zone (I don’t think I’m ever going to be 100% comfortable that I could be physically attacked by mentally ill adolescent boys any day).
Last night, I went to the holiday music program at my old high school where my little sister sang in the choir. During her four years at the school (our time there never overlapped), I went to many holiday programs. For the last song, White Christmas, the choral director always asks for any alumni in the audience to come join the choir on the rafters to sing along. Every year, I slink down in my seat and hide behind a camera lens because I feel somehow silly or self-conscious walking up there by myself without any other young alumni. This time, I did the usual. I heard the announcement for alums to come to the stage, I slunk down into my chair, and I took a picture. But then, I realized that this would probably be my last high school holiday concert because my little sister graduates in June. So…why not? Why not go up? I am 100% positive that my joining the high school choir students had absolutely no significance to anyone except me. Well, and maybe the handful of students who recognized me as their substitute teacher.
In any case, it felt great to let go of a silly anxiety. I look forward to this being the first of many times I suck in my self-consciousness and just…do things. Without thinking about them so much. Without thinking about other people. After all, I think that self-consciousness is somewhat egocentric and that it is a feeling that does not do any good for anybody. Out of anything on my list of goals, this may be the hardest and also the most important for me to overcome.